By Noor-Jehan Yoro Badat
Some children of broken families need help in coping with the emotional and practical fallout.
So says Erika Hitge, who specialises in play therapy which seeks to create safe and meaningful environment through which children can express their emotions.
She does diverse work with children, but divorce, abuse and behavioural problems occupy a great deal of her time as a therapist, especially assessment and court work as an expert witness.
About 40 percent of her clients are teenagers, says Hitge, who is registered with the Council of Counsellors of South Africa.
She also consults with families going through divorce, and offers them therapy.
"All clients that I counsel are the same, in that they need emotional healing and assistance with problem-solving the changes that are occurring in their lives."
'I feel like the man of the house now'
Johnny, 12
'When my parents got divorced, I was happy. Good riddance to him.
I hate my father and I wish God would kill him. He is very rude, likes to drink and when he's drunk he likes to perform. He has abused us, my sister and I, and he used to hit me with his fists and belt me. And sometimes he was emotionally abusive, and would call me names.
I don't miss him at all. Things are better now that he is gone. And I don't want to see him or be a part of his life. Even if the police made me go to him I don't want to go there.
I'm angry a lot, and I can't sleep at night because I worry about my mother. I'm very close to her. She doesn't hit us. I talk to her and comfort her. I don't want to see her cry. We are never separated and are always together.
I don't feel so good right now because I want to stay with my mom, and I don't want to go to him. I feel like I need my mother to be protected. I do feel like I am the man of the house, it's easy for me. And it also shows that I'm a true man.
Going to therapy makes me feel happy, but if I hear his name it makes me angry. At therapy we are asked to think of a better place, do role play and we try to calm down. It also helps me with school. It's almost the end of the year and I don't want to fail. I'm a very good student and it's not good to fail.
It's been three years since my dad went out of our lives. I've moved on with my life, but my father doesn't leave us alone. I just want him to leave us alone. I only want him to help us with money. He is rich.
Sometimes when I don't want to think about him, I just watch TV, play on my Playstation, read or play outside."
Johnny's mother
'Before the divorce my son was quiet and withdrawn. He was very afraid. My ex-husband was abusive; he even sexually abused my daughter.
One day he was screaming and shouting and we couldn't take it anymore. My kids said they couldn't live like this and wanted to move out. So we left without him knowing. We had a lavish life - we always had money - but we left everything behind. I earn peanuts now but the kids understand.
I have always been a part of their lives, we are always together. They refuse to go to their father because of the abuse. And I'm scared of them going to him and losing them to him. He is trying to get custody of them.
The counselling has been helping the children, though. It relaxes them and they feel like they can speak their minds. Somehow the divorce seems to have woken up my son. It's as if he has grown up overnight. He seems like a 16-year-old. He's taken up this responsibility of being over-protective of me and his sister. And he's become this man of the house.
I worry about that because I want him to be a child and enjoy his childhood. He should not have had to grow up overnight. If I'll go anywhere or do anything he'll ask me how my day was or whether I'm okay. He'll ask those questions that grown-ups usually ask. He doesn't fall asleep until I sleep."
Johnny's therapist
Erika Hitge
'Two issues come to mind in this case: choosing sides and the changed family construct. After the divorce, a vacancy exists. And it is very normal for one of the children to try to push their way up into the 'vacancy'. They tend to assume adult roles and become what we term 'parentified'.
In the case of this family, one child has moved up the family hierarchy, causing the other to remain at a child's level. This may cause many issues for the sibling remaining on that level, such as unnecessary competition and an attitude of you-aren't-my-parent.
In the process, childhood is lost. But perhaps due to everything that occurred prior to the divorce the childhood may already have been lost.
The effects on "parentified" children are often:
- A feeling of discomfort in your own skin as you're different from your peers.
- Experience of tremendous stress in attempting to perform adult duties with the limited experience, skills and developmental level of a child.
And, because they always have to try very hard to seem sufficient to themselves in the role of a parent, they never relax. They suffer nightmares; they struggle later on to relate to their peers, and they have feelings of guilt and failure when they perceive themselves as less than perfect.
However, continued therapy with a focus on working through the trauma and thereafter a focus on 'normal' expectations for children their age will be very helpful. They must also be taught positive self-talk in terms of who they are, rather than towards what they subconsciously aspired to be.
Parents can play an enormous role in the healing of their children if they don't burden them with adult problems and if they assume full adult responsibility in their relationship with their children.
When children try to replace the partner who has left, parents can help by letting the child know that he is cared for, and that he should be a child. Also, as much as you understand them wanting to move up the family hierarchy, you must tell them you will not allow that to happen.
If one of the parents is be perceived by the children as having harmed them in any way, they need to take responsibility, come clean and ask how they can make amends.
Children struggle to forgive and move on if a parent does not own up to what they perceive as the harm and pain inflicted on them."
'I had to vie for my mom's attention'
Amy, 17
'My parents separated before I was born. They were never married and had met when they were still at university. My dad ran away when my mom gave birth to me, and apparently when I was born he denied that I was his child.
Growing up, I asked about him a few times. Once, when I was about eight, I came across a picture of a man and I asked my mother who he was. She said it was my father. My mother has never tried to hide who my father is.
I first met my real dad in 2001 when I went back to my mother's hometown. We were in a restaurant when my mother and I came across my father's parents. My mother pointed them out to me. I think they recognised my mother and knew who I was. They greeted me and were civil.
The following afternoon, my father showed up. We didn't really talk as such. He asked things like, 'How is school? How are you? Who are your friends?' It was a bit awkward.
But generally I'm a friendly person who accommodates people, so I wasn't really nervous. It was like meeting anyone else. He looked a bit nervous, though, and didn't know what to say. Mom left us alone for a little while.
I don't hold grudges against him and I didn't ask him why he left us. Most people I know in that situation would be angry and hurt and demand to know why he had abandoned them. But I don't feel that way. I don't have problems with my father. I don't ask him why he did it. He was just young and stupid, and I forgave him. You can't turn back time.
We have stayed in touch since and he is keen to spend time with me. His wife is very nice and has pushed him to have a relationship with me. My mom was also okay about the whole thing - she has always wanted him to have a relationship with me.
My mother has been married for a few years now, but I don't get on with my stepdad. He isn't the kind of man I would have liked for her.
My grandmother did not approve of their marriage and him. I used to live with her, and she used to tell me all these things. But I used to think he was okay. Then when she died two years ago, I moved in with them and I realised that everything that my grandmother said of him was true.
We got into arguments and fights. My relationship with my mother was strained. To a certain extent I felt like I had to compete with my stepfather for my mom's attention. There was a time I just handled things differently, the wrong way.
I don't like him. He is mean and pretentious. He is the kind of person that when we go out he pretends everything is fine, but when he drinks he shouts pointless things like I am not his child.
My mother is aware of my feelings. She just says that all I can do is respect him and try to be civil towards him. I'm very opinionated and I think that gets to him a lot. My mom takes my opinions to heart, and for a while that irritated him. Now it has come to a point that he doesn't really care. But as long as he doesn't bother me, that's fine.
I think in a way my grandmother's death brought my mother and me closer. It wasn't like that in the beginning because of my stepfather. We had become strangers, and did not talk. Our relationship has gotten better. We have the pain of losing my grandmother in common. Mom is also still young - she's in her late 30s - so our age difference is not that hectic. We talk about things, like boys, openly and freely. She gives me a lot of advice.
I started going to church more and I suppose my faith and my mother have kept me on a straight path. Going to church has made me stronger and I don't let my stepfather get to me. I've also been seeing a counsellor because my mother says I have problems with my stepfather. The counselling has helped me get it together, but my issues with him are still not resolved. But I am okay. I don't really care about his opinion, and I try to have as little contact with him as possible."
Amy's therapist
Erika Hitge
'This is a typical case of child of a broken family, but the dynamics of diversity plays a huge role.
"There are fathers who, from a cultural perspective, feel that children, especially girls, should be seen and not heard. If children aren't as traditional, they tend to clash with the parent or step-parent who holds different views and opinions.
Children, due to their size, age, lack of life experience, and so on, can be regarded as people of diminished authority when compared to adults. They may become extremely frustrated because they feel that they're always at the short end of the stick. And because parents are gatekeepers to finance and privileges, they feel they are always losing every battle.
When children are not being heard in their parent's home, they seek other people to hear them. This can result in many things: drama queen behaviour, attention-seeking behaviour, neediness, behaviour problems, and peer group support seeking (especially peers without family problems). These behaviours may also be accompanied by substance abuse, promiscuity, etc.
In this case, the stepfather can help the child grow up a balanced individual if he is open to investigate his cultural bias and to treat children with dignity. The biological parent can also play an important role by acknowledging his absence and by trying to make amends by being involved in school work or offering holiday visits.
A sorry dad can easily be abused by a clever child, especially a teenager. Making amends should never be about spoiling a child materially or trying to overcompensate for lack of his presence, but should rather be about availing himself as a person and a father, without forcing his fatherhood down the child's throat. Considering his absence, the child won't easily tolerate prescriptive behaviour. In very patriarchal families mothers tend to play a helpless role and do not want to become a barrier between father and children, and often they shy away from confrontation.
If the child has a strong personality the child's behaviour may be a polarity for the mom's behaviour. By this I mean that the more helpless the mother becomes, the more powerful the child tries to act in defence of herself and the powerless parent, landing herself in trouble with the authoritarian parent.
It would help if the mother acts more assertively towards the stepdad, inviting everybody to act as adults rather than as victims or other roles they play without being aware of their effect in their lives and their children's lives."
Note:
We haven't used the real names of the children, and they were interviewed with their parent's permission.