By Megan Veldman
The relationship of multiples is very different to that of brother and sister, brother and brother or sister and sister of different ages.
Twins have a very special bond and share much more than the average singletons and siblings. The bond will vary on the type of twins such as boy/girl, identical and same sex fraternal.
Identical twins will have a difficult time dealing with their own identities and the twin-bond they share. The bond of identicals is more intense than that of fraternals because they share the same genes whereas fraternals do not.
Boy/girl twins will have an easier time dealing with separate identities as they tend to be seen as individuals because of the varying sex.
Same sex but fraternal twins also struggle with individuality and one of the main causes for this is that people tend to see them as a unit and not individuals.
The South African Multiple Birth Association encourages trying to promote individuality in multiples but if this is worked at too hard, it can achieve the opposite effect.
The biggest problem a multiple parent has is to know when to interfere and when to stand back and let the children sort the problems out themselves.
Unfortunately, twin rivalry is at its fiercest between the ages of 1 and 3. The children lack the verbal ability to express anger and frustration and this causes them to resort to biting, hair pulling and hitting with toys and fists.
A few tips to help you in these very tiring and endless situations:
- Try to stay calm and separate the children.
- Try not to fight violence with violence as children learn from watching you.
- Keep the children separate for a few minutes and if you are alone at the time put them in separate, safe rooms.
- Make sure that you bend down to their level, keep eye contact and tell them firmly "Don't bite, it hurts".
- Take both of them in your arms, hug them and make them hug each other. This calms them and turns negative to positive. Also the feeling of being in your arms will calm them and make them feel safe.
- Try to distract them before the situation gets out of control.
Fighting is normally to attract attention and if you add to the hysteria, it will only make matters worse.
Pre-school and toddler rivalry is a bit more intense and at this age they will compete for a parent's attention. They will fight about who got the most juice, who's turn it is to sit on your lap, sit in the front seat, who has the best toy, etc. etc.
This rivalry is the children's way of searching for their own identities and is healthy and constructive most of the time. The arguing could drive anyone insane, but the key is to stay calm and try and let the twins work these problems out themselves.
A few tips to ensure that these arguments are fair to both the children:
- Try to distract them with another activity or walk away from them if they are fighting over who sits closest to you.
- This rivalry serves a purpose and that is to distance themselves from each other and set their own identities.
- Make a poster of who did what last to save unnecessary arguments.
- Do not compare your children; this will only lead to one feeling inferior and ending up with a complex, which in turn leads to one very dominant twin.
In most twin relationships, you have a dominant and a passive twin. Although one twin may be dominant to start with, that same twin may end up being passive in the toddler stage. This can also vary from day to day or hour to hour.
This is quite normal and the children are expressing their individuality. If you notice the one twin always being the dominant twin, you will have to interfere. If this persists, the passive twin will loose confidence and become intimidated.
Prevent one twin from speaking or doing things for his twin as this will only make the dominant twin stronger. Reassure the passive twin that they are very special and an individual.
- Contact SAMBA on 0861 432 432 or email [email protected].