By Sharon Gordon
HOW many times have you heard in a movie or a TV programme ‘But she wanted it”? This is usually referring to a woman who has been raped. I know the latest appropriate term is sexually assaulted, but I think that it somehow softens the brutality of the crime.
I’m sure you’ve all heard of Gisele Pelicot. Her husband and 50 other men have been convicted of rape in France. I’m not going to go into the details but several men have raised the defense that she wanted it. I’ll get back to Madame Pelicot, whose bravery I admire.
What I do want to write about is CONSENT. Honestly, how hard can understanding this simple concept be. Teach your children and especially your boys. All too often they are accused of rape because they misread the room. This is not an excuse.
Here I just want to add that if you are a woman who calls rape falsely, there is a special place in hell for you. Not only do you ruin the alleged perpetrators life but you destroy the credibility of every victim who has been raped. So even if your Daddy catches you and you’re afraid, own it and don’t destroy what we work so hard to ensure your safety. Back to Consent.
Consent is a verbal affirmation. It is communicated by the actual words – Yes, I do, or I want to. Maybe, is not consent. In my house in any situation, it is usually NO.
Consent is given for a limited time. If I said yes in the past, that does not mean yes in the present or the future. We all have the right to say no today.
Obtaining a yes after weeks, days and hours of bullying, shaming, begging or promising is not consent. It is not being given freely. It is being given to get rid of you and to shut you up. Consent MUST always be given freely.
You must be physically and mentally able to grant consent. This includes emotionally being mature enough to grant consent. Last year in KZN girls under the age of 14, gave birth. They would not have been emotionally ready to grant consent and sex with these minors is rape.
To date not one perpetrator has been arrested or convicted. These girls were not capable of consent regardless of what the men say, and I bet it’s ‘they wanted it!’
Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
That means that I may say yes, I want to have sex, get the foreplay going, break out the condom and the lubricant and then decide I’m not ready. Just before you got that far doesn’t mean you have to go all the way. If you say NO, at any stage, to continue is rape.
Grunting is not consent, putting your hand on my breast, genitals or anywhere else is not consent. Wearing a sexy outfit – not consent. Make sure it is a verbal unequivocal YES.
Consent is not based on your own assumptions, perceptions or belief system. She came to my room willingly. NOT consent.
Saying yes under duress or any kind of pressure or when a person is unconscious, drunk, high or asleep is NOT consent. If she or he is drunk and coming onto you, walk away. It’s the safest option.
Consent is not gender based. I know I’ve written this from a female perspective but that’s because I am female. Consent cuts across every gender and sexual preference.
I now go as far as to ask anyone I need to touch whether I have consent to do so, even if it’s to remove a piece of lint from their jacket.
Kissing someone is not consent even if you consent to a kiss.
If I had it my way my son would carry a short contract with him for the partner to sign before having sex. It ensures that there will be no false accusations. I’m that serious about consent.
Getting back to Gisele Pelicot, my modern-day hero. She had the strength to lay the rape charges against her husband and all his cronies. They have been found guilty and some have taken the matter on appeal. I hope they get the death sentence – although they won’t.
My warrior call for this year is what Madame Pelicot so aptly said: “Shame must change sides.’
This is true for all abusers; for too long it’s the victim who has carried the burden of shame. SHAME MUST CHANGE SIDES. Let it be a rally cry.